The Three Insecure Attachment Styles (in the Temperaments).

When training to become a Unani Practitioner, my teacher often emphasizes the importance of looking for signs. These signs indicate patterns, habits, and even conclusions. Nature, as naturopaths, using the Path of Nature to heal and vitalize people and ourselves, is full of such signs. Looking for indicators of how things are progressing is the key that unlocks much understanding.

In this article, we will delve into some of these signs, particularly related to Attachment Styles and Temperaments. The quality of any marriage lies in the effectiveness of communication. This communication is heavily influenced by the way the two parties are attached to each other.

Before delving deeper, let's briefly discuss what we mean by "attach." This term stems from a psychological theory called Attachment Theory, a prominent concept in Western psychology developed and expanded upon by many in recent decades. It demonstrates how people attach securely (i.e., healthily) and insecurely (unhealthily) to their romantic partners. Viewing attachment as a form of learned behavior from early years with parents, it is undoubtedly insightful.

Further down, we will review each attachment style in more depth. However, in this article, I will illustrate how adding an understanding of temperaments into the mix provides an even more insightful lens. I will shed light on how different temperaments may present varying secure or insecure attachment styles. For those unfamiliar with temperaments, this explanation clarifies why certain people behave differently even when their attachment style is the same.

This article aims to enrich psychological awareness with an ancient form of psychology, namely, the Science of The Temperaments. For more information on The Temperaments, please check out my blog post and discover your own as you do so. :) https://unanireads.com/the-four-temperaments/

Anxious Attachment Style

An anxious attachment style, as per Attachment Theory, denotes a relational pattern where individuals may harbor insecurities about the stability of their relationships. Those with an anxious attachment style often seek high levels of closeness and reassurance from their partners while grappling with worries of rejection or abandonment. This can manifest through clingy behavior, a fear of separation, and heightened emotional responses, often stemming from inconsistent caregiving experiences in early childhood.

Now, let's explore how this attachment style appears in different temperaments!

Sanguine with an Anxious Attachment Style

Constant desire to engage in social activities:

• They consistently seek to join you in various outings, aspire to be part of your friendship circles, and aim to be your closest companion always. It's important to note that while this may stem from genuine love, there is often a strong underlying fear accompanying it.

Craving constant visibility and attention:

• This may manifest as a continual seeking of approval regarding their appearance and persistent inquiries about their physical attractiveness to their spouse. Seeking approval for every decision beforehand is also a common trait.

Striving to be at the center of attention in social settings:

• As natural social beings, Sanguine individuals want to be at your center wherever you go, finding reassurance in this position. While they may not overtly express it, a lack of attention can make them feel insecure in the relationship.

Choleric with an Anxious Attachment Style

Potential for controlling behavior.

• This refers to the tendency of individuals with an anxious attachment style, particularly those with a Choleric temperament, to exhibit behaviors aimed at exerting control over their partner or the relationship dynamics. It may manifest as attempts to dictate the partner's actions, decisions, or behaviors to alleviate their anxieties about the relationship.

Invasion of privacy out of fear, seeking the upper hand.

• In anxious attachment scenarios, individuals may invade their partner's privacy by excessively monitoring their activities, messages, or interactions with others. This invasion of privacy stems from a fear of abandonment or rejection and a desire to maintain control or gain an advantage in the relationship dynamic.

A need for constant dominance in the relationship.

• A Choleric person with an anxious attachment style may consistently resist compromising on decisions, insisting on having the final say in various aspects of the relationship, from daily activities to long-term plans, to assert their dominance and alleviate their underlying insecurities.

Melancholic with an Anxious Attachment Style:

Consistent testing of the partner:

• They will continuously test their partner to validate their own worth and ensure the stability of the relationship. This may occur verbally or through actions. Unlike the sanguine and cholerics who, in terms of actions, make them more on the receiving end, Melancholics will not necessarily act out but observe and test their partner's reactions.

Frequent reminders are needed for love and commitment:

• They will want to hear affirmations repeatedly to quell their doubts and internal questioning. Melancholics tend to remember 'everything,' and in an unhealthy state of mind, they recall the bad times more. Hearing words of confirmation becomes a necessity for them all the time.

Growing suspicion and questioning of commitment:

• Melancholics are analytical beings, so when they are in a relationship where they feel insecure (due to their own insecurities, not their partner's), they may begin to question and hyperanalyze everything.

Phlegmatic with an Anxious Attachment Style

Hypersensitivity to comments and remarks:

• Phlegmatics with an anxious attachment style may display heightened sensitivity to comments and remarks. Sadness is often the emotion associated with an excess of water energy, a common trait for Phlegmatics in this attachment style. Consequently, they react profoundly to actions that trigger feelings of insecurity in the relationship. Consoling the Phlegmatics with an anxious attachment style may become a frequent occurrence.

Continuous need for words of affirmation:

• Similar to Melancholics, they may also require constant reassurance, not necessarily because they remember the bad times often, but because they frequently experience feelings of sadness, pessimism, and downheartedness in the relationship, sometimes without genuine or even little cause.

Doting behavior to ensure constant reassurance:

• As a means to capture your attention or feel significant in your life, Phlegmatics with an anxious attachment style will dote on you and strive to attend to your needs consistently. They typically express love through acts of service, and as Phlegmatics in an anxious attachment style, they will manifest their insecurities through similar acts of service.

Avoidant Attachment Style

An avoidant attachment style is a relational pattern characterized by discomfort with emotional intimacy and a tendency to maintain emotional distance from others. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may have difficulty forming close, emotionally fulfilling relationships and often exhibit behaviors that create space or prevent deeper emotional connections.

Now, let's explore how this attachment style appears in different temperaments!

Sanguines with an Avoidant Attachment Style

Distracting themselves and you with physical affection or gift-giving to avoid deeper relationship aspects.

• Sanguine individuals with an avoidant attachment style often resort to distracting both themselves and their partners with excessive physical affection or gift-giving, effectively sidestepping deeper aspects of the relationship. While they may enjoy the companionship, these Sanguines avoid displaying commitment through actions or verbal expressions. They consistently keep the relationship at a surface level, steering clear of more profound emotional connections.

Constant Criticism

• There's a potential shift in their nature, transitioning from being expressive to occasionally adopting a critical stance. To maintain a sense of distance, they may resort to criticizing you. This serves the dual purpose of reducing emotional attachment and preventing them from becoming too emotionally entangled by continually highlighting perceived faults. This fluctuation in behavior can make them appear emotionally unpredictable, much like the swift changes associated with their element – the wind.

Choleric with an Avoidant Attachment Style

Hyper-independence, focusing on work or hobbies.

• As a means of preserving their independence in the relationship, Cholerics with an avoidant attachment style prioritizes their hobbies, work, interests, and alone time. This avoidance strategy is evident in their cold and blunt expression, actively placing these pursuits above the relationship, and often making efforts to keep a noticeable distance.

Snapping when the relationship gets too close.

• Cholerics are known to snap, as fire is known to crackle. If they perceive the relationship as suffocating, there's a high likelihood they will react with bursts of anger. Anger serves as their primary defense mechanism, signaling their efforts to protect themselves. It's essential to recognize that these insecure attachment styles are learned mechanisms for self-preservation and survival, developed during times when their genuine safety, whether physical or emotional, was uncertain.

Phlegmatic with an Avoidant Attachment Style

Withdrawn and "cold" demeanor.

• Phlegmatics tend to exhibit a cold, unaffectionate demeanor and may avoid listening to you when the relationship becomes too serious for them. They express their irritation through passive-aggressive remarks, which leads to the next point.

Discomfort masked with humor, and minimal sharing of thoughts.

• Similar to Sanguines, they use humor to mask their discomfort. While Sanguines openly laugh and criticize, Phlegmatics may do so more discreetly. They often employ word games as a means to maintain peace and avoid conflict, whilst still creating a level of unease and distance, differing from the sanguine in that aspect.

Melancholic with an Avoidant Attachment Style

Ruminating on past arguments

• Melancholics tend to engage in persistent and repetitive thoughts about past arguments or conflicts in the relationship. This rumination reflects their inclination to dwell on negative experiences, analyzing them repeatedly in their minds. This habit can contribute to a lingering sense of emotional distance and may hinder the resolution of issues.

Hyper-critical

• They may focus on perceived flaws, both in themselves and in their partners, contributing to a heightened level of scrutiny in the relationship.

Reserved

• They are pros at keeping their emotions and thoughts guarded. Reserved by nature, this can make new relationships very tricky. It will be very hard to get them to express their feelings or engage in open communication about relationship concerns. It will no doubt create a sense of emotional distance, making it challenging for their partner to connect with them on a deeper level.

Pessimistic

• They might anticipate negative outcomes or harbor a belief that challenges are insurmountable, which can contribute to a sense of hopelessness. This makes a renewal in the relationship after a difficult patch very hard and their focus is on the bad instead of the good. At some point, they need to let go to move on, a great challenge for them.

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style

The anxious-avoidant attachment style, also known as fearful-avoidant or disorganized attachment, is characterized by a combination of traits from both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Individuals with this attachment style often experience inner conflicts and ambivalence in relationships, leading to a complex pattern of behaviors.

Now, let's explore how this attachment style appears in different temperaments!

Sanguine with an anxious-avoidant attachment style

Acting Out

• Sanguines will, by their nature, be very loving, and so they may be very physically affectionate, and verbally endearing. However, because of their attachment style, they may become cold, angry, or even saddened if they feel that their love is not reciprocated. Note, that this is natural; however, as we are discussing unhealthy behaviors, we are referring to times when their love is appreciated; however, due to their attachment style, they don't perceive it as such. They can become very hurtful, embrace you publicly, and easily act out like a "child" to get "revenge".

Post-expression, becoming critical if not appreciated.

• When it comes to matters of finance, future plans, and having children, they may agree initially and disagree afterward. Their plans will constantly be changing, and when there is a child born, they can display jealousy as they will feel easily abandoned. Like cholerics, they too can act out angrily when they feel unsettled. In consequence, they may avoid you further because they are unable to express their anxiety, hence their anxious-avoidant attachment style.

Choleric with an anxious-avoidant attachment style

Control and Dominance

• Cholerics, driven by their fear of vulnerability, often adopt a strategy of maintaining control and dominance in the relationship. They may insist on having things done their way, making decisions unilaterally, and expecting their partner to follow suit. This need for control serves as a protective barrier, preventing them from exposing their true emotions and vulnerabilities. However, this dominant demeanor can create distance and anxiety when they perceive any challenge to their authority or when faced with situations that require emotional openness.
  

Intermittent Withdrawal

• Despite their assertive nature, cholerics with anxious-avoidant tendencies may engage in intermittent withdrawal from emotional intimacy. When they feel overwhelmed or threatened by the potential depth of connection, they may pull back emotionally, creating a temporary distance. This withdrawal is a coping mechanism aimed at protecting themselves from perceived emotional threats. While they may express a desire for closeness, the fear of losing their independence prompts them to retract periodically, creating a challenging dynamic for both partners in the relationship.

Phlegmatic with an anxious-avoidant attachment style

Requiring emotional support and constant validation.

• Phlegmatics with an anxious-avoidant style become very dependent. They can lash out emotionally, always ending in tears. They will at times become very lazy in the relationship, putting in little effort and expecting much to come from their partner.

Frequent feelings of inferiority often lead to tears.

• Comparison becomes a killer for them as they compare themselves and your relationship to everyone. They need constant validation. Like water, they turn from ice to liquid to steam.

Melancholic with an anxious-avoidant attachment style

Constant rumination, difficulty letting go.

• Melancholics in this attachment style engage in constant rumination, finding it challenging to let go of past emotional experiences, contributing to inner conflicts. They may challenge, test, quiz you, and then completely avoid you, on the other hand. They may require full openness from you but don't give it in return.

Hyper-critical and reserved, sticking to the relationship but often with a pessimistic outlook.

• They exhibit hyper-critical and reserved behavior, remaining committed to the relationship despite an overall pessimistic outlook, creating a complex and challenging relational pattern. They will not leave you because they are stuck with you, but because they are also stuck in the negative cycle, finding it hard to change out of unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Conclusion

Understanding attachment styles within each temperament provides valuable insights into how individuals navigate relationships. By recognizing these patterns, we can cultivate empathy, open communication, and foster stronger connections with our partners. Remember, every person is unique, and these observations offer general insights rather than strict rules for behavior.

Also remember, healing, as long as there is life, is a given. There is always an opportunity to be better, and heal from wounds whether they are fresh or old.

With love,

Shifaa 🌸

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